The Holidays are here, ladies and gentlemen. This year, I have decided to share with you my list of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza wishes. Before I do that, however, I must take part in that most Seinfeldian of Holidays, “Festivus.”

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First, “The Airing of the Grievances”

- People who come to work smelly first thing in the morning deserved to be brought outside and sprayed with fire hoses, regardless of the temperature or weather. There is no good reason to walk around smelling like you’ve done a full day’s manual labor in the hot sun, and it’s only 7A.M.

- As much as BET needs their asses kicked for cancelling Rap City, NPR deserves two times the beat-down since they gave “News and Notes” the axe recently. The only show on there geared towards black folks is coming to an end. Thanks for all the great shows Farai, and everyone else over there at News and Notes.

- Christmas shopping brings out the true ugly nature of humanity! Happily married couples arguing in public in front of the kids…Grandmothers coming to blows over parking spots…All kinds of madness! Cut it out!

- Don’t pee on my head and try to tell me it’s raining. If you’re going to lie to me, at least make it a good, well thought out lie. I get twice as upset over lies when they’re stupid ones. It is an insult to my intelligence when I think that you think I’m dumb enough to believe your ill-conceived lie.

Next, “Feats of Strength”

Check out the guns!

Ok…they’re not really “guns”…more like “slingshots.” Still. That’s RAW POWER, son! Just this morning, I choked out a grizzly bear on the way to the corner store. Instead of taking chances, I decided to strike first! At least it looked like a grizzly bear…It was big, hairy, and smelled like Hennessy. Plus, it roared. Especially when I jumped on it! The roars kind of sounded like “Earl! Get this crazy n*gga offa my neck!”, but I don’t speak Washington DC grizzly, so I could be wrong.

Finally, “The Festivus Pole”

I didn’t invest in an aluminum pole this year, but this weekend, I plan on taking a trip to one of DC’s finest gentleman’s establishments and watching Festivus celebrated in a most enjoyable manner. Let me know if you’d like to join me as I embark on this phase of a proper Festivus celebration. The more the merrier!

Now, it’s time for my actual Christmas wishes. This Christmas, I wish for:

Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men. Yeah right…like that sh*t is really happening! I just hope that more people will value human life and learn to respect one another.

Black people to stop singing for fried chicken. Even though that McDonalds commercial makes me laugh, we have to stop singing for chicken! Let’s boycott singing for chicken commercials in 2009.

Folks to realize that Blackpower.com is NOT some militant Black Panther site that will get them fired. You have no idea how many people tell me that they are scared to check this site on their jobs! You will not get fired for coming here. If you do, and you have a decent lawyer, you will probably get PAID once your employer sees the threat of a discrimination lawsuit and the ensuing bad press. So go ahead and read my articles at work, instead of waiting to go home.

See? I don’t ask for much. Just a few humble requests, which I’m sure most of you can handle. Whatever holiday it is that you’re celebrating, I wish you the best. Even if you’re a Jehovah’s Witness and you’re not celebrating anything, I want you all to enjoy this time of year, too.

This story is filed under: A Guy Named Leon, Comic Relief