My name is Leon, and all of my life, I’ve loved to have fun. Actually, “have fun” is an understatement. I have partied enough in my 30 years of existence for three different lifetimes. Thankfully, I have emerged from everything virtually unscathed, which is a blessing considering some of the ignorant mess that I’ve gotten into. As a child and disease free survivor of the party scene, I feel it is my duty to pass along my wisdom to those who may benefit from it.

 

Today, I would like to help my brothers and sisters to make the most of their bar, club, lounge and house party experiences. Some people do things when they are out, which make them look like jackasses. Hopefully, I can help you identify these social faux pas in order to avoid being the object of ridicule.

 

Tip 1: If you’re in a nightclub, lose the damned dark shades!

Nightclubs are generally dimly lit, and open at night (hence the name)…So why in the blue hell are you wearing dark glasses inside the place? Unless you are legally blind, there is no logical reason to wear your dark shades inside the club, unless you are trying to achieve some kind of “look.”

 

If that is the case, then you have succeeded in achieving a look alright…That look is called “douchebag.” When most people see someone in a club with dark shades on, they assume that person has strong jackass tendencies, or that person got his/her ass whipped and the glasses are to conceal a black eye. If you do happen to have a black eye, throw a steak on that thing, and keep your ass at home until it heals.

 

Tip 2: Remember that you came there to have fun

It kills me how many people go to a bar or club, get a few drinks in them, and all of the sudden they become Billy Badass and feel the need to prove how tough they are. If you want to fight, go to a boxing gym, put on some gloves and get in the ring with someone. That way, a real fighter can show you just how tough you’re NOT. If you’re an angry drunk, or you have all kinds of messed up issues eating away at you, don’t go out around people who are trying to enjoy themselves.

 

Tip 3: Party with people in your age group

I no longer go to 18 and up nightclubs, because I am too damned old. I’ll feel like Chester the Child Molester in that piece. It has never been cool to be the old man or woman in the club. The best thing you can do is find a lounge where there is a wider range of ages hanging out there. All of which should be over 21. Please…Don’t be that guy.

 

Tip 4: Don’t Be Too Thirsty

Desperation is never an attractive quality. If you meet someone nice, and things have obviously run their course, exit gracefully. Do not linger or hover around that person for the rest of the night. If you get shot down, don’t respond by saying nonsense like “You weren’t cute anyway, b*tch.” Obviously, he or she was attractive enough for you to before turning down your advances. Never give anyone the power to ruin your night with some words. Just chalk it up and accept the fact that everything isn’t for everybody, and move on.

 

Tip 5: Wash your ass

I really should not have to write this, but some grown adults still have not grasped the concept of proper hygiene. Before you go anywhere, make sure you have taken a shower, making sure to focus on the vital areas: face, feet, ass and underarms. You don’t have to wash them in that order, just as long as they are clean. There is nothing worse than being in close quarters with someone smelly. Then again, if you haven’t mastered the art of cleanliness by now, then this article probably won’t be enough to convince you to apply soap and water to your person. Ah well…At least I tried.

There you have it! Remember these 5 tips before your next nighttime outing, and enjoy yourself.

This story is filed under: A Guy Named Leon, Comic Relief