The New Year's Resolutions I'd Like to See Famous People Make

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A new year is here, people! It’s time to embark on that time-honored tradition of making resolutions for the New Year which are unlikely to actually be kept. Since I don’t want to put any of mine in print this year in case I should happen to screw up and break them, I have decided to write the resolutions that I wish celebrities and newsmakers would make for themselves.

 Barack Obama – Just keep on doing what you’re doing…and keep your eyes open! You see the Secret Service let that reporter throw BOTH shoes at George Bush. You might want to practice giving speeches while bobbing and weaving, because from the looks of things, the security detail is slipping. They should have had one foot in that guy’s ass before he even got a chance to reach for shoe #2! Or, you can hire a light skinned brother to walk next to you and be your Presidential Stunt Double/Sacrificial Negro. Whichever idea sounds better to you, go ahead and run with it. Once again, continue inspiring the world, and I’ll see you on the 20^th as I’ll be in Washington, DC parking lot pimping outside of the inauguration.

Chedda – Apparently, this guy gets cheddar. I want Chedda’s resolution to be to introduce himself to America before bombarding every website on Earth running AdSense with ads to check out whatever get rich quick scheme he’s pedaling. Right now, I’m thinking this fellow is about as credible as Ms Cleo with her psychic readings and fake Caribbean accent. 

Dr. Dre – I’d like to see this guy resolve to finally finish and release his “Detox” album. I have been hearing about “Detox” for years now, but I’m starting to think this studio album is about as real as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. After making two classics like “The Chronic” and “2001″, expectations are high despite the fact that the man hasn’t put out a solo album of new music since 1999. So Dre, please go to the studio, and do not make a public appearance until “Detox” is done. Thanks.

O.J. Simpson – Don’t drop the soap, homie.

Lauren London – I want you to make your New Years Resolution to be to stop wasting time and go out with me already! I’m only internet famous right now, but you’re going to want to catch me on the way up, instead of when I’m wealthy and turning down celebrity tang left and right. Better get under that umbrella before you get rained on, woman!

Kanye West – I love Kanye’s music. Lord knows I do. This is why I’d like it if Kanye’s resolution is to start rhyming again, and leave the singing alone. Give Roger Troutman and T-Pain their gimmick back, then come with something fresh like you usually do. Not that “808’s and Heartbreak” is wack…It’s just that you’ve set the bar so high with the other albums, this one is half-assed in comparison.

Dave Chappelle – In 2009, I’d like to see Dave release another stand up special or something. We miss you, bruh!

Oprah Winfrey – You know what? Oprah can already do whatever the Hell she wants to. She’s the only person on this list whom I feel I really can’t recommend anything that could conceivably make her year any better than 2008. That’s like going up to Kobe Bryant after that game where he scored 81 points, and saying “Ay man, if your game were just a little more fundamentally sound, you could have dropped 100 on ‘em!”

At a certain point, you just shut up and appreciate a person’s accomplishments, which is what I’m going to do right now in regards to Oprah.

Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt for Oprah to resolve to invite me to a show where she gives away free cars to everybody in the audience…but that would just be wishful thinking. On that note, I want to wish a Happy New Year to Oprah, all of you, and to all of the other celebrities on this list.

This story is filed under: A Guy Named Leon, Lifestyle