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My girlfriend Monica asked me recently: “Have you considered the issue of a pre-nup for when you get married?” Without thinking, I immediately answered with confidence, “No, definitely not.” Then I continued the rest of the conversation in my head. Being of African origin the truth is, as vast as my vocabulary was before being somewhat westernized, I had never come across that phrase before–”a prenuptial agreement”–so it was easy for me to say no.

But at the rate I’m going, although I actually do want my mate to surpass me in assets and financial worth, it is very likely that mine would surpass his, so even though my lips were confident that everything in my upcoming marriage would be shared no matter who was the source, as myself and my girlfriend kept talking, I was still mulling the issue over, in my own head. I thought about the financial aspects but most of all I thought: “Doesn’t the idea of a pre-nup most definitely leave open the idea that divorce is most definitely an option out of the marriage? And why should I be thinking of an option out, before I even get in?”

Monica, mentioned the cover of the December 2008 issue of Essence Magazine, in which Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith interview each other. Her focus was on how good they looked, and how happy she was that they had been together for about eleven years now, a rarity she said. I hadn’t read the article, so that’s what I did a few days later, and I must say it was honest and endearing. The line that struck me most however was the response Will Smith gave to his wife when they were discussing the notion of the formula for a good marriage; he said: “The secret is removing divorce as an option. Anybody who gives themselves that option will get a divorce.” I smiled; he was reiterating what my father had said to a husband who had come to him seeking advice about leaving his wife. As I eavesdropped, I heard my dad say, “I can’t give you any advice about leaving your wife, because I don’t know what that entails. When I got married to my wife 30 years ago, we both agreed to take that option off the table, so I can tell you how to make it work with your wife, because that’s what I have experience in.” He looked at my Dad, baffled, but he proceeded to ask how, and it was simple: through the two hour conversation that ensued, at the heart of it was “take divorce of the table, and make it work.”

How about if one cheats, you ask? Or if you decide one day this isn’t the right one? Or how about if thirty years later, after you’ve both changed, you wake up one day and your mate is a total stranger? I haven’t walked that road of beautiful union yet, but here’s what I know: first, everything is forgivable as forgiveness frees the one wronged as well as the perpetrator and time heals the wound. Second, I know that if there is any strong question in your mind about whether this is the one, again, look to time; that is the one time you don’t rush into it, but know in your heart that whatever questions you have are only the questions of natural nervousness and not of whether your mate has another family in another state that you are unaware of. Third, I hate to say it, but if you are waking up thirty years later next to a stranger, YOU are to blame – it should never get that way, there are levels that lead to separation; identify them and work through them before they become impossible. We all know this (I hope).

So back to the pre-nup, after all the conversations in my head and knowing exactly what it means; in response to that question, I can now smile and still in confidence respond with a “no, definitely not.” You should only plan for what you wish for right? I’m not planning for a divorce, so it’s off the table, and I hope many more, only plan for what they wish for and not sabotage it before it happens.

This story is filed under: Lifestyle, Women by Design

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