How to Know When You've Entered One

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A few weeks ago, I went with a friend of mine to a bar. As some regular readers may remember, I am a Cool Black Guy, which, by definition means that I can be comfortable in social situations where I am the only person of color in attendance. The friend who took me to this bar has been an official Cool Black Guy for much longer than I have, so I had backup, should the sh*t actually hit the fan during this outing.

Alas, all of the backup in the world could not prepare me for the realization that lay ahead: I was entering a full-blown Hipster Bar, with all of the trimmings. In case you’re unclear on whether you’ve ever been to one of these places, I have compiled a checklist of things to look out for when you walk through the door and take a seat at one of the barstools. So now, I present to you, the Signs to that let you know you’re in a Hipster Bar:

The amount of white guys you see with Jesus beards – For some reason or another, bars like these are frequented by folks with facial hair like this guy. It might be the bartender, or it might be the fellow standing near you wearing the extra-smedium hoodie and the limited-edition sneakers. Actually, the odds are, you’ll see at least three Jesus beards during any trip to a hipster bar.

Overemphasis on being ironic and cynical – The clientele in these places range from the genuinely cool, to those who try so hard to come across as laid back and unpretentious, that they end up looking like…pretentious bastards. Then again, all nightspots have posers and wannabes lurking amongst the ranks of those who are actually comfortable enough in their own skin to be themselves. It’s just that the Hipster Bar variety of these folks can be quite irritating to have around, if you’re trying to enjoy your night.

Trivia Night – Hipster bars usually like to have “Trivia Nights” once a week or so. To me, this is definitely a good thing, because I am a master at retaining random facts about all sorts of unusual subject matter. Therefore, Trivia Night gives me a chance to live out my Jeopardy fantasies without actually being embarrassed on a nationally televised game show.

The obligatory “left of center” hip-hop song being played – Although most of the night will be spent listening to rock music with a little punk sprinkled in next to classic reggae or some indie artist whom you’ve never heard of(who probably also has a Jesus beard), someone will play a hip-hop song at some point. Not just any hip-hop song, but one from a good album, that wasn’t commercially released as a single. For instance, an Outkast track from their Aquemini or ATLiens albums. The reason for this song choice is multilayered. It’s playing because your black ass is in the building, but it’s also playing to show you that whoever selected it is so cool that they listen to some hip-hop, along with the indie artists with Jesus beards.

 The only other black people you see came with white people – The perplexing aspect of being in places like these happens when you encounter another Cool Black Guy or Cool Black Chick. For some reason, Cool Black Guys/Chicks don’t trust other unfamiliar Cool Black Guys/Chicks in Hipster Bar settings. Usually, one of the white friends has to bridge the gap and befriend the new black people before the Cool Black Guy/Girl in the group will be accepting of any new ones. Maybe it’s territorial instinct to protect their spot as THE Cool Black Guy…I don’t know. This phenomenon perplexes me, but not enough to actually research and pinpoint the exact reasons. That’s too much work while I’m trying to relax with my Jack and Coke in hand.

 If you are ever out and about with friends, and you think you’ve entered a Hipster Bar, all you have to do is refer back to this checklist to know for certain. Three of these qualities or more, and you are definitely in hipster territory. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself there. I just want you to know what you are getting yourself into.

This story is filed under: A Guy Named Leon, Lifestyle