Jesus H. Christ

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In a stunning news conference today in Chicago, Barack Obama announces the newest member of his cabinet: Jesus H. Christ.

When asked by reporters, “What would Jesus do?” The President-elect made an appearance with Jesus at a press conference saying, “There has been wide-speculation, since the primary race, concerning my religious affiliation. Today, I am appointing Jesus Christ as Secretary of Metaphysical Affairs and White House Chaplain. It is my hope that with this appointment, rumors over my religious affiliation will be laid to rest.”

Jesus H. Christ, whose middle name is also Hussein, took a few questions from reporters, but refused to give the date of the Rapture, the Resurrection, or Armageddon. He did, however say, “It is a great honor to serve in this administration. Throughout the campaign. Mr. Obama prayed to me diligently. Sometimes I walked by his side. Sometimes I carried him. This cup is a much less bitter cup from which to drink,” he said, alluding to scripture and his brief conversation with his Father just before the crucifixion.

Immediately, there were strong reactions from both the right and the left. Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, said in a brief statement, “This nation was founded on Judeo-Christian values. And it is an honor to have Christ serving in the West Wing.”

The ACLU immediately filed suit in Federal Court to block the appointment of Jesus. ACLU President Nadine Strossen released this strongly worded statement, “This is the most egregious violation of the separation of church and state that has ever been attempted. To have the Son of God serve in the White House is clearly unconstitutional. The Founding Fathers are rolling over in their graves.”

Jesus would neither confirm nor deny whether or not, in fact, the Founding Fathers were indeed rolling over in their graves.

President-elect Obama responded, “Secretary Christ will serve as a spiritual advisor and as advisor on metaphysical affairs. I respect the diversity of religious faith in this nation. I do not advocate establishing a state religion. And, as such, I will be nominating the Buddha as Ambassador to India.”

The office of the Dalai Lama was contacted regarding the announcement of the Buddha as ambassador, but the Dalai Lama was not available for comment.

“In the end,” spoke President-elect Obama, “I hope this will lay to rest rumors that I am a Muslim. My Father was Muslim, but I was raised in a Christian household, in a Christian family, and I stand by my Christian faith. In fact, I am standing right next to Jesus Christ.” The President-elect put his arm around the Son of God for a photo opportunity.

In further remarks Jesus said, “I hope, also, this will clear up a few things. To begin with, I am, indeed Black.”

Reverend Jeremiah Wright, responded, “I always knew Jesus was a black man. And now it is confirmed. Praise God. Praise God.”

Black churches across America held spontaneous prayer services that seemed more like Freaknic than worship and praise.

White conservative Christians were less enthusiastic.  Indeed, shortly after Mr. Obama’s announcement and press conference, President of the all white executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention, Pastor Johnny M. Hunt, announced his imminent conversion to Judaism and a vote of the Convention for a massive general mikvah—the Jewish ceremonial bath during which one becomes a Jew.

Pastor Hunt commenting from his home church, soon to be synagogue, in Woodstock, Georgia, said, “Obviously, for the last 154 years, the Baptist Convention has gotten it wrong. The Jews are right. The Messiah is yet to come. Shalom brothers and sisters, Shalom.”

Jesus continued his question and answer session by stating, “As Secretary of Metaphysical Affairs and White House Chaplain, I will be investigating the use of my name in vain. In particular, I will be making personal appearances at sporting championships and other public events where overpaid athletes and Oscar award winners thank me while at the same time doing work that has nothing to do with me. My eye is on the sparrow. It is also on Michael Vick.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences could not be reached for comment.

“Pardon my French, but you all have been messing up big time. Iraq, Afghanistan, segregation, environmental degradation,” Jesus continued, clearly agitated. “I let them hammer my ass to a piece of wood for ya’ll. Don’t make me take off my belt.” His words were punctuated by thunder and lightening, inside the Presidential Transition Office and, at the same time, word reached President-elect Obama that a massive flood had just taken out the town of Woodstock, Georgia.

Jesus Christ closed the press conference by saying, “Let us bow our heads for Pastor Hunt and the people of Woodstock, Georgia.  In my name we pray. Amen.”

This story is filed under: Politics

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